Advice: Mad Men

Dear Underwear Hacker, 

I was raised in a household where men were aggressors, violent, drug addicted, and so forth. Partly as a result of that, I have a lot of difficulty assuming male gender roles. I fear being like them. It's my belief that my lack of interest in typical male things (I don't watch or care about sports, I can't work on cars, I don't like being 'in charge' of things, I don't have male friends, etc) is an internal fear of being anything like the so-called 'men' I saw as I grew up. This gender role issue is compounded by my social anxiety disorder. I cannot approach or flirt with a woman, it feels pushy and I worry about making her uncomfortable. I cannot assert myself in social groups, because I don't want to be 'that guy' I guess. The list goes on and on...

This has led to a lot of serious problems in life and in relationships, and I have no idea where to start on fixing it. Any thoughts, tips, advice, or websites you could offer?

I am a completely straight and very highly sexual male, and large-built, well muscled, and so forth. Just to avoid any perception others may have that I'm anything otherwise. (And yes, I know this itself is a male ego related behaviour...)

- Militant

Dear Militant, 

As I see it the only real "problem" you have described is your social anxiety. However, as I read your description, you seem to be somewhat hung-up on your masculine portrayal. Many men do not like sports, cars, being in charge, and are not assertive. Although, western cultures do describe these as masculine traits, not having them or not being masculine doesnt have to be and isn't necessarily a problem. The larger issue seems to be that you are worried about it. And yet at the end of your post, you have described yourself in some very masculine ways otherwise: " completely straight and very high sexual male, and large-built, well muscled, and so forth." These are masculine characteristics that some sports-loving, gear-headed, assertive guys are not. This is to say, what guy is all masculine in every way, all the time? Very few--perhaps none.

I say all this, to point out that one thing don't have to be anxious about is how masculine you are or are not. It sounds like you have some very sound and insightful reasoning for why you might have consciously or unconsciously avoided many of the prototypical masculine interests. And that's fine. We are all shaped by our environment to some degree. In regards to your social anxiety, every type of person can experience this problem, regardless or sex or gender. This is something no one could solve on an errant website post, but I encourage you to seek out therapy (group therapy often works well for this particular issue) or at the very least do some reading about it.

-UH